Reconciliation with my gender
This is my last painting for 2019!
2019 has been an amazing year of growth way beyond my expectations. Among the things I overcame is my negative view of feminity. I struggled with this for a long time and I even felt shame for being a woman. It had a detrimental effect on my relationships in general by avoiding emotional intimacy.
I wanted to free myself from that shame and hatred to be able to appreciate my feminity. My misunderstanding of the nature of women gave me the impression I had to go against my nature to become a real woman. I witnessed abundant drama, anger, agressivity and violence, especially verbal violence, from women towards men. Consequently, this negative attitude dominated my perception of how a woman that respected herself should be. Furthermore, it created an irreconcilable conflict in my spirit.
I understand that there are injustices committed towards women by men and I have suffered violence from some men myself. but I still did not approve of solving this by humiliating them and characterizing all that is masculinity as evil. Inversely, I was now percieving all that is feminine as bad, which is no better, but I didn't know how to resolve this inconsistency. Paradoxically, it is through a men's community that I was able to eventually feel better about my gender.
An unrelated search
I discovered John Sonmez through Simple Programmer in 2016 when I was searching for a successful programmer. My goal was to have a better understanding of what it takes to succeed in this field. Whereas, I quickly realized that his online content was broader than just tech topics. Indeed, he is very prolific on self development videos and articles. While his target audience is men in tech for whom he is committed to help succeed in all aspects of their life, women can also appreciate his advice. He personally worked hard to overcome his own anxieties and weaknesses and therefore can offer legitimate leadership.
The unsuspected guidance
He started another community in 2019 called the Bulldog Mindset. The purpose is to share his experience and knowledge on how to break from the victim mindset and take ownership over one's life. He renders direction to improve on all levels; physically, socially, professionnally and financially. Certainly, this is pretty bold. Yet, knowing how he overcame his own obstacles and continually progresses, he has a wealth of useful experiences and advice to share that effectively helps the community. His target audience is men but women are still welcome.
He also has a huge professional, financial and online success that he built through consistent processes that he willingly shares in the group. As I know there is plenty I can learn from his success, I decided to join the pack. Also, it was a great opportunity to get in a like-minded fraternity of high achievers to reach unforseen accomplishments. Here is what the Membership is about and a brief story of John's journey: https://bulldogmindset.com/about/
Since I always want to improve and grow this decision has been very beneficial to me. It offered a positive space where I could confidently share and express my goals and objectives and be motivated and encouraged by other's progress and higher levels of success. John also depicts the differences between men and women in a very positive way to help men have better relationships with women. Even more, this helped me develop a better frame of mind about women and men both individually and in relation to each other. As a result, I improved on many aspects including, nurturing better sentiments to feminity.
The turning point
More importantly, I recognized that I had nothing to change to become a real women. I understood that the hostility I perceived in women was not a necessity. Rather, it's a symptom of different issues, wounds, misunderstandings, confusions or any other reason. Obviously, I already had everything I needed. I observed that it is not a shortcoming to appreciate my feminity. In fact, it is an asset to fully embrace these traits.
There is beauty in the differences between men and women and I believe we would all benefit from accepting those differences. Differences doesn't mean injustice and abuse on any side. Instead, accepting differences has brought more harmony in my life. I fully reconciled with my feminity when I realized how it was desirable and not victimizing to be feminine. In fact, meeting my soulmate in December 2019 was the ultimate event that revealed how fulfilling it is to endorse my nature.
My feminity manifested
My encounter with this man helped me to acknowledge the traits that characterizes my feminine identity. Definitely, I wanted to stop being ashamed of these particularities which are sensitivity, gentleness, tenderness, devotion, receptivity and kindness. Such a personality can appear as being weak and lacking character. Evidently, some situations require other responses than that. But this feminine distinctiveness expressed in the right context is quite satisfying. It is gratifying to find the right place to express this nature freely without feeling humiliated, abused and rediculed. Instead, these qualities are valued and celebrated in a beneficial way. This is exactly what I obtained in my relationship. This is not to say that all my other relationships were unhealthy. I guess it's the timing of my personal growth and the compatibility with my partner that gave me this security, confidence and serenity.
Besides, I also have traits that are related more to masculinity like competitivity and a strong drive that is often seen as obsessivity. Men and women can share similar traits but in general, there are specific traits that are more common than others in each gender. There is no shame in this. I came to accept who I am in all ways, with my more feminine traits and also those masculine traits equally and without judgment.
The feminine symbol
Incidentally, I wanted to paint a symbol of feminity. I Googled the term feminity symbol and found that the shape of an ellipse with pointed ends was omnipresent. It represents the shape of the vulva. Subsequently, I decided to use the vulva and an eye to illustrate how I was willing to view life with my own nature and not through how I perceived others would approve of me. Indeed, This painting expresses how I finally grasped, accepted and choose to express it as my identity. 2019 has been rich in my personal development and I'm glad to close it with this strong symbol of feminity!
Let me know what this painting evokes for you in the comments!